Someone once told me that the world is a scary place, that it is dark and gloomy, and that hope and trust and positivity is what makes humans so desperate and depressed in the first place. The absence of those things may seem to be a deliberate choice to fall into darkness, but at best it saves time, and protect your mind and heart from all the emotional costs that entail, when trust is misplaced, and hope is grown only to be lost.
That was nobody, that was just me.
I suppose the longer I live, I have only learned more bad things about humans. What is worse is that my natural tendency to distrust – has been strongly enhanced, not weakened, not one bit.
I know all the positive talks, things like you attract what you think, things like ‘be positive and good things happen’, etc. To be honest, I don’t think people lie to one another when they say that. Deep down I know it is a mental defense mechanism, for the other option is far too much for one person to bear. Without hope for a better outcome, life makes no much sense.
I would not think of myself as a pessimist, more like realist. Being positive is frustrating, for it takes way too much energy. I’m born with a low energy consumption capacity.
I used to secretly think of monks who hide up in the mountains as cowards. I mean no disrespect to monks or Buddhism. I just have a certain expectation of humans in general: “stand up and fight” is more of the type I’d prefer. The reasons they would hide from the world – I once thought to myself, was because they choose the preserve their souls too much, as in, at the costs of others, ‘let the world burn, but as far as I’m not concerned’ – was what I thought they’d think.
But of course, it’s quite arrogant of me to judge anyone as coward. I think I have just learned another step in this walk through life. This time, I’ve actually understood the monks’ decision to live far away from society and hide up high in isolated mountains. My actions, no matter how innocent it might be, can still have damaging impact to another. And that fact is what so scary about life. Not the ill intention, not the bad schemers, the fact that one ordinary me with absolutely no attempt nor intention to harm anyone, can still cause a chain of events beyond my control, to serve another’s scheme, and cause harm. That is what scaring me.
Why must it be so hard to be at peace? Why is this matrix so hard to play? Am I set up to fail? Can anyone win?