Fear

There was this folder of image I keep in my laptop, well actually it is still in my laptop, neatly organized indeed, titled “movie quotes”.

Any nerd out there doing the same thing?

Anyway, I used to post most of meaningful movie scenes plus quotes to facebook, a habit now foregone. For some weird reason only my brain can possibly make up, that folder is personal (self conflicting statements detected). Also, sometimes looking back, I notice most of it involve crying people or villains. Weird. I by no means approve of (publicly) crying or being guilty of being villainous. Yet, they are there.

They are reminders, I guess. Bad excuse. Okay honestly how many of you remember anything that a guy like Superman ever says? Exactly. Point proved. Nobody is reading, hence, no one.

Anyways, sometimes, there are these kind of characters who, whatever they say, nails it in my forehead, and whenever I accidentally see them on internet, I have the urge to pin it down. Here is one:

Please excuse the embedded PR line that I have no control over.

First time watching A most violent year, I thought I was on guard for very violent scenes. I’m not a fan of violent actions (except for where Hulk & Loki are involved), but anyway the movie started with a guy simply running by the harbor so I was lured to watch the rest. And it just grew more interesting by the minute. This guy (above) says so many stuff that I just want to pin down. He is the definition of an interesting character with good quotes making a movie worth watching.

So, when it came to that scene, of course I was reminded of how much fear can be a positive motivator. On the edge of safety and the unknown, I guess humans are hard wired to choose the first. Crawl back to the known world where every variable is defined and fixed sounds much easier to handle than exposing yourself under the attack of several unidentified flying and invisible objects.

I questioned myself about choices I have made in life, and apparently so far only 3 fall into the category of ‘really scary unknown’ (disregarding all the times I choose to ‘let me trust this person’, which might be labelled ‘not-so-scary-but-can-be-uncomfortable unknown’). The first one turned out ok, thank God. The second and third I’m about to dive into, which will involve extra hard-work and probably a lot less sitting, and probably a good amount of embarrassment and periodic self-doubts.

 

I also reminded myself of the catalyst that drove me to actually jump. Again, fear if consuming is debilitating, and one of major fear that as human we just have to deal with is social isolation. Why? I don’t know. Few people enjoy being alone, fewer understands loneliness. We are just that conditioned to be socially approved, accepted, recognized.

So in my first choice, I actually reminded myself that ‘you know what, none of other opinions matter, at the end of the day, people will just walk by, spends 5 seconds of judgment, and move on with their own business’. Realizing how little other fellow humans care about you is liberating, not saddening. Because if you realize how much we are conditioned to act and behave a certain way just for the sake of ‘other people might think…’, you’d feel like a prisoner. The only worth-asking question is: Do you want to do things for people who spend 5 seconds on you, or do you want to do it for yourself?

(parents excluded, they matter, a lot.)

So, first chain removed. Still struggle with it at times, but becoming better.

Second choice, I’m unsure of myself, my ability to commit and to actually bring result. Does what I do matter? Or is it going to fail grandly?  Is going all the way to get this done actually worth anything? Should I?

Funnily, I ask this quite often. My thought process often goes like “Does this mean anything?”, and often discard it if I see no sense or value. So the whole idea of putting myself to do something that I’m still not certain of the result is the equivalent of inflicting self-doubt and great challenge to ego. But maybe that is better. Maybe we are meant to do that. Sticking with what you know you do well is not going to make you better.

Of course I might fail. But then I wouldn’t have to go through “what ifs” scenarios. I knew for certain that I tried, and failed, it was not meant to be, and move on.

Third choice, a whole different direction, a gazillion of unidentified flying and invisible objects. This is the combination of first and second fear package, with ability to depress and conquer. Sounds soothing.

But imagining all the things that can possibly go wrong in the future is not the right approach, focus on the moment and the single obstacle you have to face at a time is (the only feasible choice)

 

 

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Casual days

Haha. It’s been 2 weeks, I’ve been typing nonsensical and no one notices. Wonderful.

Chip complained to me once, or twice, I did not count, how she hates facebook. Ok maybe that sounds a bit too much. She dislikes it. There, being politically correct and neutral.

I understand perfectly well. I don’t like facebook either. One day you disappear from facebook and you feel free, from all pending messages or notifications which, being absent, might trigger you to reflect upon your own existence and meaning. Two days, that is a great achievement, you don’t frantically open up every single link there is about cats or dogs or pandas, or seeing someone having a blast somewhere, or hearing about another person having another marriage, break-up, baby, or the likes, or the general dissatisfaction with whatever.

One week, people might think you have died. Your existence equates with the number of interaction you have on facebook. Zero – you are dead, you disappear from collective memories. You are left to ponder things alone, and occasionally reminded of how much you want to share this awesome piece of read to a friend, without using facebook.

Another thing that makes me dislike facebook is, unless I share this stuff I’m typing on wordpress via facebook, it’s never going to get a view. Haha. There. So, these two weeks, I have been enjoying the feeling of writing whatever stuff I like, without having to worry about how it’s going to be read, because apparently, if people don’t like it, they won’t actively search for it, clicking a link on facebook is a simple numb-minding thing to do, and that is what most did. Best feel ever. Another side note, since Chip is busy with her graduation and all other fun, I doubt she would discover these nonsensical ramblings soon. Haha.

Okay, so how is life, you ask? I have discovered a way to get to sleep. For some weird reason, if I turn a 45 degree, I can sleep. It means if my head-toe aligns with the North-South direction, I can sleep. Yes, sleep is gold. You can never sleep enough. Every morning waking up and doing things is a disruption to the brain.

Today is 6th day of Ramadan. Personally after the 2nd day I barely even notice anything different in life. Got the picture of the moon on the 2nd day, looks great. Now the moon has orbited to another angle which I cannot see from my own window anymore. See you later, moon.

I got to know some interesting humans at work, which is a big deal given how extraverted I am. Exactly, you get the point.

One is an American, every time he talks, it gives away a feeling that this guy is born and raised a hippy. I mean no judgement here. He likes nature, talked about being vegetarian, not judgmental, does not care about his looks. He has this one coat that I can see him in every day, regardless of the weather, even when it’s 38 degrees outside. Granted, we have air-conditioning, too cold at times. Yet he has another yellow rain-coat. Casual is not the right word. He does not give a care about how he looks. This type of people put me at ease.

Anyways, he’s been to all Arab Peninsula (worked there for years too), known all the ugly nasty truth about the place and people there (and also the kind people too, I should mention, trying to practice positivism), yet still not judgmental (that for me is a truly fascinating point). He’s been to Jerusalem as well, and knows pretty well the teachings of Judaism, Christianity, and Islam, which is, you know, rare, given how much religious extremists manage to scare people away from understanding a religion.

Another is (probably) British. Never asked for his nationality but his accent was the give-away. At first I thought he was any another European national but British. Does not matter. Anyway we never talked, for the 2 years I have been working, every morning there would be me, him, the American, another nice lady in IT, and another person in Accounting – the earliest creatures on the floor. Yet I was the weirdo that manage to say ‘morning’ everyday, and sit at my place, minding my own business, without giving too much thought about how humans are supposed to interact.

Anyways, one day, I could not ignore any longer the fact that he has a swollen leg, and seems in pain, with crutches. I started asking. It turned out, with the miracle of negligence, certain doctor (or nurse, I’m not sure), at a certain well-known hospital in Hanoi (I wish them a lawsuit), managed to turn his strain into a fully scary case. I would not go into details, but basically now the poor man has a certain type of flesh-eating virus to fight against, thanks to those certain negligent people.

Anger management aside, this guy is also extremely nice, also been to all those countries in Middle East and some in Africa, with his family, years ago. World is now different, he says. I agree. It’s been so different, the thought of going to those countries and come back in one piece is the equivalent of practicing positivism.

Anyway, the other day the American asked if I’d ever want to go to Arab Saudi. Given my certain belief, of course at some point I have to go there and visit Mecca. But I secretly wish Mecca was not on the Saudi’s soil. I do not see Islam in so many aspects that this country does, and it is continuing to represent – the corruption of Islam in modern days. Everything is just a shell, institutionalized, power-inducing forces with mask of religion. Emptiness is underneath those cloaks. In fact I’m more concerned about whether at one point I will become one creature similar to Azkaban guards, soul-less, rotten, but still existing, in an illusion that I’m doing everything right.

So much for self-reflection. Hail positivism.

Oh, rewatched Tomorrowland yesterday, again reminded to feed the right wolf.

 

 

 

 

Rust & Dust

It’s 2 a.m

4:30 a.m

5.

Couldn’t sleep. Wide awake, could hear her own brain buzzing out loud in numbing head-throbbing bits.

It’s been days. It’s the light, it’s the noise, it’s about everything in the room and nothing in the room. It’s the brain, the buzzing, the non-stop thinking chains, one thing tangled with another on a continuous stream. For the first time, this thinking habit starts to take its toll. It’s frustrating. The brain needs a sleep, it needs to be shut down, out from the external lights, no matter how little.

Out of temperament. Under the weather. Over-thinking. Mind chattering. Rewinding of a mental tape of what occurred today, the day before, the continuity of ‘me’ that started in the past and ends up God know where in the fictional future.

Anyway, this is normal, it’s just part of everything that a human has to experience, at some point. So let’s start looking at something bigger and non-egocentric.

Game of life. Begins.

First, it was a cry. If you don’t cry for the first few minutes of exposure to earth, you die. Oxygen is your lung’s best ally. Oxygen is the thing that keeps the flow going, and will one day determines you expiry date, perhaps.

Everyday, you wake up. Nobody actually volunteered to be ‘alive’ in the first place. It’s just decided beyond your own participation. It is not a matter of “Do you want to exist?”, you just do, out of love, out of accident, or out of mishap. Whatever the cause, you just do.

Your shady unreliable memories hardly tell anything concrete about anything of your past. It’s just a blur. You remember of sentiments, how everything ‘felt’ like. Rather interestingly, it largely affects your own shape, your personality, your drive.

Come to now. ‘Here’ is an ambiguous concept. Right at this moment, your cells are dying and renewing themselves, splitting, dividing, cloning over and over based on a programmed database condensed to tiny biological memory drive. The being that is you is hardly any of your cell, nor any on the hormone list, nor any of your organ, yet, if one cell, or whatever component of you, rebels against your own interest, you would be defined by rather interesting human-made descriptions: cancer, disorder, ‘troubled’, sick, illness, disability, and the likes. Every single dimension of ‘you’ is replaced by a single word.

Along the game, you experience the external fabrics of your surrounding. Every single interaction and imprint a person, a pet, an event makes will leave you more or less like you, but still you. Internally, continuous awareness of your own being is nicely shut down every night, brain refreshed, and awoken every morning, to find yourself still in your own package: arms – checked, legs – still mine, brain – not sure, but still on the neck. Externally, the skin and the muscles and this biological structure remains, neatly composed.

Rule of life. Enter.

(1) Whatever a human does, he or she feels perfectly justified for doing it, at that specific space-time.

(2) There is no delete or refresh button. No rewind, no fast forward.

(3) Circumstances change. Change is the order.

Because of (1), (2) and (3), a thinking being is most definitely destined to engage in behaviors that would definitely, at some point in another space-time, make that thinking being wish he or she did differently. And because of (2), the thinking being is forced with 2 options: either deny your past and pretend whatever it was did not happen, or accept it and move on.

Because of (3) and (1), paradox and internal conflict happens.

(4) Behaviors are more often dictated by immediate perception of circumstances rather than future expectation of events.

Hungry, grab a Snicker. Thirsty, Coke. No don’t drink that stuff,  at this moment the crazy typer is using it to clean the blade off rust. Sleepy, go to sleep, unless you can’t.

If the (4) rule is reversed, several implications follow:

  • People would not (insert whatever crazy community-harming behavior here)

The-end.

After cleaning the dust, she sat down and reflected. The dusts seem heavier than usual, the room, though cleaned for this specific moment, is only waiting for a new layer of dust to cover itself head to toe. Certainly.