Fear

There was this folder of image I keep in my laptop, well actually it is still in my laptop, neatly organized indeed, titled “movie quotes”.

Any nerd out there doing the same thing?

Anyway, I used to post most of meaningful movie scenes plus quotes to facebook, a habit now foregone. For some weird reason only my brain can possibly make up, that folder is personal (self conflicting statements detected). Also, sometimes looking back, I notice most of it involve crying people or villains. Weird. I by no means approve of (publicly) crying or being guilty of being villainous. Yet, they are there.

They are reminders, I guess. Bad excuse. Okay honestly how many of you remember anything that a guy like Superman ever says? Exactly. Point proved. Nobody is reading, hence, no one.

Anyways, sometimes, there are these kind of characters who, whatever they say, nails it in my forehead, and whenever I accidentally see them on internet, I have the urge to pin it down. Here is one:

Please excuse the embedded PR line that I have no control over.

First time watching A most violent year, I thought I was on guard for very violent scenes. I’m not a fan of violent actions (except for where Hulk & Loki are involved), but anyway the movie started with a guy simply running by the harbor so I was lured to watch the rest. And it just grew more interesting by the minute. This guy (above) says so many stuff that I just want to pin down. He is the definition of an interesting character with good quotes making a movie worth watching.

So, when it came to that scene, of course I was reminded of how much fear can be a positive motivator. On the edge of safety and the unknown, I guess humans are hard wired to choose the first. Crawl back to the known world where every variable is defined and fixed sounds much easier to handle than exposing yourself under the attack of several unidentified flying and invisible objects.

I questioned myself about choices I have made in life, and apparently so far only 3 fall into the category of ‘really scary unknown’ (disregarding all the times I choose to ‘let me trust this person’, which might be labelled ‘not-so-scary-but-can-be-uncomfortable unknown’). The first one turned out ok, thank God. The second and third I’m about to dive into, which will involve extra hard-work and probably a lot less sitting, and probably a good amount of embarrassment and periodic self-doubts.

 

I also reminded myself of the catalyst that drove me to actually jump. Again, fear if consuming is debilitating, and one of major fear that as human we just have to deal with is social isolation. Why? I don’t know. Few people enjoy being alone, fewer understands loneliness. We are just that conditioned to be socially approved, accepted, recognized.

So in my first choice, I actually reminded myself that ‘you know what, none of other opinions matter, at the end of the day, people will just walk by, spends 5 seconds of judgment, and move on with their own business’. Realizing how little other fellow humans care about you is liberating, not saddening. Because if you realize how much we are conditioned to act and behave a certain way just for the sake of ‘other people might think…’, you’d feel like a prisoner. The only worth-asking question is: Do you want to do things for people who spend 5 seconds on you, or do you want to do it for yourself?

(parents excluded, they matter, a lot.)

So, first chain removed. Still struggle with it at times, but becoming better.

Second choice, I’m unsure of myself, my ability to commit and to actually bring result. Does what I do matter? Or is it going to fail grandly?  Is going all the way to get this done actually worth anything? Should I?

Funnily, I ask this quite often. My thought process often goes like “Does this mean anything?”, and often discard it if I see no sense or value. So the whole idea of putting myself to do something that I’m still not certain of the result is the equivalent of inflicting self-doubt and great challenge to ego. But maybe that is better. Maybe we are meant to do that. Sticking with what you know you do well is not going to make you better.

Of course I might fail. But then I wouldn’t have to go through “what ifs” scenarios. I knew for certain that I tried, and failed, it was not meant to be, and move on.

Third choice, a whole different direction, a gazillion of unidentified flying and invisible objects. This is the combination of first and second fear package, with ability to depress and conquer. Sounds soothing.

But imagining all the things that can possibly go wrong in the future is not the right approach, focus on the moment and the single obstacle you have to face at a time is (the only feasible choice)

 

 

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