Hi, long time no write

it has been awhile since my last time blogging, isn’t it?

I had so much in my mind, but somehow always found impossible to write them down.

I guess I’ve become afraid of that people can read what I speak out. I guess I’m afraid of that people can further relate those to something else I didn’t mean.

I guess I’m turning slowly into an ordinary grownup.

and that’s frightening, I guess.

 

We are all ordinary. I’m totally ordinary. There shouldn’t be anything to be frightening about…

still, there is a voice inside of me screaming NOoooo…

 

The other night, sobbing and drowning in my own tears, I asked out: “Do you know what women hate the most?” Silent. “That’s the other women” – I had to reply myself.

 

women.

I cannot find a way to fit in their common world. I often feel myself too awkward too bulky to be “there”. I missed how it’s  easier when I was smaller. Actually I was mostly playing with the boys back then. Simple – that’s how my universe used to be.

 

oh then I missed my girls. Those particular girls that I was fortunate enough to get close to them. It is always so beautiful to be around them…

I guess they’re lonesome just like me, that kind of lonesomeness bothers me sometimes. My girls, they seem fine with theirs, but I don’t know. I don’t think anyone can get along with that kind of feeling all the time, even they may live with it.

 

No matter how tough you act and give an I-don’t-care face, or how many millions times you whisper to yourself “It’s alright, there’s no big deal”, it is still pretty painful to be disliked, isn’t it?

 

there are some roles you have to take and accept to be disliked from the first place. No matter what you do, there’re only 2 options out there: being less or more disliked. Ha!

 

Welcome, welcome little one, to the big world!

Day –

Chapter 0: The nasty woman

Waking up to the morning of blue, she finds the haunting emptiness from last night, now staring back at her from the mirror.

There is nothing left of her that makes the crawling out of bed and out in the open a worthy action. One can just lye on the bed and let it be.

Yet, there she is, staring at the resemblance of herself. The nasty woman.

After miles of traveling, delivering speeches, acting firm and determined, being calm and pretending to be calm, pouring out every inch in her body that yearn for the long-waited outcome, this is what America chose.

deplorables... that must be it, that was where it all went terribly wrong. The emails, Podesta, Weinner, that idiot, those are not it.

There is no point of pondering anymore. At least for the moment, sitting back watching the world burns is a choice.

Was it because she is too tough? Too aggressive? Too woman? Was it even because she is a woman? What if she were a man? This country must have known better… or it doesn’t. The bleak reality of the defeat sinks in, and she had only grasped the magnitude of her own failure.

The silent humming and buzzing distracts her from the chain of events dancing in the head. Despite not being in the mood for saying hello and trying to reassure another human that everything is ok, she picked up the phone. Huma.

“I’m fine, don’t worry. Let’s talk tomorrow, ok?”

“Hey… I just want to drop a message but thought that, you know…, I can drop by, if you want”

“Don’t worry. We have planned for this. And no you don’t need to come by, everything is alright.”

“Erm, ok, just… take care Hill. Whenever you need, just call, ok?”

“Sure sure. Bye now”

“Bye”

On the bright side, she can now just be left alone. No humans, no disturbance, no more trying out the best outfit that does not make her look to hawky, nor too girly, no more ornament option or budget discussions, no more reading through the news and listening to consults, no more sitting in a chair for 5 hours and body guards 5 inches away, no more smiling when not feeling like to, no more remembering key words to pound on at each public gathering, no more rehearsing and trying to reach out to people. Everything is stopped, except for this. The heartache has now transmitted to her left arm, like an electric shot. But at least she can finally find solitude in this dark room and forget about priorities or duties for a while.

They have had one idiot to handle those.

Chapter 1: K

“No, Donald, you can’t”

“I’m sick and tired of people telling me I can or cannot do something, K, kay? I know you are the boss but now I am the boss.”

“You simply cannot have the account back, it would be very inconvenient t…”

“Hush hush, I want to see the files”

“Er, what are we talking about?”

“The files, the stuff that I need to sign, on the first days!”

“It’s being prepared, not ready yet”

“You are telling me that it is being typed somewhere? by someone? What a joke! I want either my phone back, with full restore, or I will be extremely mad at you, I’m telling. And that guy better hurry or he will be fired”

“He is the third..”

“Do I look like I care?”

“FINE! Keep it together, take your damn phone back”

Tossing it back to the now uncontrollable child of hers, K secretly texted in her bag, telling the assistants to handle the rest, not forgetting to repeat for the hundredth time:

“Come here by tomorrow, we need to do the transition … stuff.”

The child has already left the room.

What? Just like every other time. Like she doesn’t have enough problems to live with. Now that she has come this far, the momentum must be maximized, and she cannot do that unless staying with the guy for at least few more public events. That is if she can handle that much more wine.

“Honey I’m coming…. 30 more minutes, kay?…No no no need for that… yeah, I think… but that might not be possible… Sure…”

Now, before any more shit storm in upcoming courts, she is prepared to go like another pro. The child is out of her concern.


wellie, little sketches for what I can only imagine going on after the election result. Not a Hillary fan, but at least I feel somewhat sorry for her. What is going on the other side is probably chaotic and fun at the same time, leading to this. The greatest reality show and social experiment on earth has not failed to entertain, but now – good luck, little blue world, you need it more than Americans and Canadians.

A bigly lightweight Panda.