1. Lessons from M

It was a morning, I couldn’t remember the context that led to this conversation. But M, my boss at that time, thought it was a good idea to bring up the concept of “replaceability”.

M: “Do you know when my position was vacant, how things went? Everything was smooth, nobody needed this position to be filled for things to work. The system took care of itself. Everybody is replaceable.”

It wasn’t exactly how he said it, but that was the gist of the message. Everybody is replaceable.

It wasn’t a warm lesson, it was meant to be a warning, in a way. He probably wanted me to understand that “I” am not important. And that with a heartbeat, “I” can be replaced.

The thing is, for a threat to be effective, it has to be personal and target something people hold dear. The message he sent wasn’t. I felt like it would not be a loss for me. And honestly, I agreed with that message.

Everybody is replaceable, indeed.

2. Lessons from T

I learned much from his stories. I never learned anything directly from him.

Unlike M, he never had this kind of direct one-on-one lecture. One can live a life well-prepared just by observing how a man made the climb like T did, and how he fell.

Things I learned from the stories that made T:

•  When you are on top, don’t expect friendship. There is no such thing. Everyone will use you for something, to achieve something. When you are a king, everyone will try to get close to you for their gains.
•  T had this weird want/need to be liked, but he acted in a way to make people fear him. It was the biggest mistake he made. For a man of his position and context, it was a fatal mistake to have such need.
•  The circles that surround the ‘king’ will make or break him. The ‘king’ is only as strong as his advisors are.
•  Within the circles, there will always be struggle for power. The members within the circle have many complex dynamics. If the king fails to address these dynamics effectively so as not to fall prey to their schemes, the king will fall.
•  There are many more Machiavellian things that T did, but at the end of the day I choose to remember this: humans scheme, but God’s plan is best. Within a span of 4 months, he rose to power and fell, in the most abrupt, unexpected, humiliating way one can not imagine if observing from his rise.
•  Lastly: beware of what you want the most, it will make or break you. In T’s case, he wanted power and absolute control, for his gains. These precise things fell like a house of cards.

If T were in politics, one would say he is a divisive figure. Some will cheer for him, some will despise. Honestly, after all the crazy things that happened, I still look back at T as an indirect teacher, with neutrality. I don’t hate him for the period that tested my sanity. I changed. I don’t know if it’s for the better, but I have a much higher tolerance to uncertainty, a much lower threshold to bullshit, and I promised myself I will not be a doormat or a pawn ever again.

I learned much from his story, and hopefully I could use it to avoid similar mistakes, should I be put in similar contexts in the future.

Also, a man is not a victim of contexts, so I don’t really feel sorry for him. I just feel sorry about him. You choose how you live, how you rise, how you fall. Everything is a trade-off, and he chose that life, against all the other possibilities.

3. Lessons from Little finger(s)

Honestly throughout all this time I still have a vague idea of who you exactly are, what is it that motivates you everyday, what is the inner drive, what makes you so capable of tolerating bullshits and absurdity. Till this day, I still don’t have a satisfactory answer. And this does bother me because I tend to have good hunch about people.

Because of many similarities, I will call ‘you’ (and there were more than 1) – Little fingers.

But of course, I think the most obvious answer is usually the one I omit, not because I’m not aware of the obvious, but because I tend to dismiss them at the presence of opposing evidence.

The thing is, you were nice, fair, logical, up to a certain point. And this is probably the biggest lesson I have learned: the ones who are nice to us/ thought to be allies are capable of creating the biggest damage to us. Why? Because of trust. You don’t expect a person you trust to pierce you with a knife.

The truth is, amidst all the drama that T created, there was yelling, swearing, cursing, table stomping and things being thrown, I was constantly in a state of high alert. Every evidence and facts point to a single direction, and the decision was easy for me. Once a disease is diagnosed, the doctor can call up a treatment. I knew exactly what I was dealing with, and I could deal with the consistently insane.

But dealing with general Little fingers were not easy. There was first the problem of evidence. There wasn’t. Little fingers are smart and capable of playing niceties, leaving no tracemarks. It took time to finally learn that Little fingers are, indeed, beyond a doubt, little fingers.

There was then the problem of conflicting evidences. Humans are innately social and for this very reason, one would assume that if somebody is consistently nice, then that person must be ‘an ally’, ‘a friend’, ‘trustworthy’.

But then you start to step back and see a knife in your rib, you start to connect all the dots, and after a long hard look at your innocent self, you laugh.

And that is when my trust is broken. Good news, now nobody will earn it, and I don’t have to turn into a monster. I chose to walk away. I knew if I had done what I wanted, with the intention of ‘teaching a lesson’, I would not be proud afterwards. I do not want to turn mad. I don’t need to be liked, but sanity is more important for me. I don’t forget, either. Thank you for this lesson.

So, the lesson here, I guess, is much more negative. But on a high note, I learned, and did, choose the better of me. I could, but I didn’t. And I’m ok with that.

---

I wrote in some blog post back, that for me the most important thing to achieve is not a title, or anything materialistic, it’s a state of mind. When I’m ‘there’, I will know it.

Recently I have been able to write more often, part of  my sanity depends on whether I can write or not.

So I guess I’m on the way.

---

Thank you 2014-2019, for your many lessons